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"nightly ramblings"

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The world spins madly on

After work I heard news of Japan, listening to mother describe the apocalyptic madness happening on the other side of the world. Heartbreaking terror. If only life granted me to hop on a plane. Footage of waves of debris, cars and ships floating like lava across farm land, toward homes and traffic. Helpless. Watered eyes. Sending prayers.

I escaped home early evening, bent on not remaining trapped inside four white walls. Barnes & Noble was my first destination, walking the aisles of fiction literature for over an hour, debating which novel to add to my collection. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer, The Things They Carried by Tim O’Brien, The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand, and Incendiary by Chris Cleave all caught my eye, until I settled on True Grit by Charles Portis. I debated attending the movies- alone- but found myself nonchalantly walking about the outdoor shopping mall.

Mother and I talked on the phone, discussing my yearning for a home. Selfish, I think. Analyzing, reflecting, appreciating life, I waited in the 20-car line at In N’ Out. The windows were rolled down as I drove down the freeway, listening to The OC mixes. The sunroof open, catching glimpses of the sky above between slurps of chocolate shake. For a brief moment I imagined a make-believe field where no harm can touch me, gazing at the constellations. I took a detour down a desert road, near a ritzy neighborhood. It’s one of my favorite places to escape, on the top of the hill, where my eyes can behold a sea of endless city lights. ★

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I Apologize for the Absence


My parents dropped me off at my new home on Wednesday night after my mother insisted on buying me groceries. Wasn’t this whole process supposed to happen in college? Unexpectedly, I broke down. I just couldn’t help it. My parents are two of my best friends. We’ve been through everything together. & Now they’re making the drive across the country to Tennessee. Meanwhile I’m working in the city and renting a room from a family friend who I’ve known my entire life.

This is all good change. I’m excited to learn how to be a grownup. I’m excited about my job. Which, as far as I can tell, is going good. I’m learning a lot and there is so, so much to learn. This is how things are supposed to be right now. This is where I’m supposed to be. It all just feels right. And God worked it all out. I didn’t go searching for this job. It came to me. If I wasn’t in Arizona, in the next month I would have been moving into a fifth wheel trailer on my parents new property. Fifteen miles away from civilization. With horses as the nearest neighbors. Sharing a tiny space with my parents. Sleeping on the couch. That would not have been cool.

I do miss Tennessee. Lots. I miss the scenery, the seasons. The four months I called the South home were a gift. Sure, I over-stressed about being unemployed. & Sure my parents were concerned that I was becoming a hermit. Sleeping in, staying up late, watching Skins, Gossip Girl and The Vampire Diaries re-runs. I lived in my sweat pants. Days went by where the only place I went was a mile down the road to the nearest Redbox. Yes-- I admit it all. I was PATHETIC.

But now I feel as if everything that’s been happening and changing is another gift. Have I mentioned how much God spoils me? I am spoiled. I am loved. I am happy. I am... tired. I just know God has amazing, wonderful, exciting things in store for me. I just know it. & It seems my gut feeling has been pretty darn spot on for the past eight months.

So in short, 2011 is going to be incredible. ★

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