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Processing

I’ll be turning 30 in a little under a month. I really don’t want to carry baggage into my 30s, but you know, maybe we’re all a little screwed up. My screwed up bits come from broken relationships, dating back to non-existing friendships as a little girl, wanting to be accepted by the kids at school, but never feeling known. Liked. Certainly not loved.

I gave my heart away quickly as a 16-year-old in her first relationship. The first time being kissed, feeling like the desires of my heart were being fulfilled. It started on March 7. Foolish because on Valentine’s Day, a few weeks before, he left roses on her car. The car of the girl he’d eventually go back to. The girl he’d lie about, pursue, cheat with.

It’s funny just how much my first broken heart relates to my last. In my mind, they are two extremely similar people. The two narcissists I’ve dated. Both three-letter names that are interchangeable in my mind. Sometimes I get them mixed up. They were two boys rejected by other women, and used me to fill the gaps in their heart. Both abusive, the first physically and on the edge of sexually.

I question how I’ve ever let myself be so foolish. How and why did I let those things happen? Why did I break my rules and give myself to men who didn’t deserve it? Men who lied and never cared about me. Who wanted someone else and just used me as a distraction until they could finally get what they wanted. And the thing is, why does the last one still sting?

I didn’t want to be with him. I don’t want to be with him. I had a choice and I made it.

So why not just sit and be thankful that I’m lucky enough to have once been truly loved by another man? The only man I loved unconditionally. A man, to this day, I consider to be the kindest soul I’ve ever met. But a man who God clearly told me wasn’t mine.

I don’t know what my point is with sharing this. I’m just… processing. I guess.

I need to forgive. These men. The women who intentionally got mixed up in it all.

And mostly, I need to forgive myself.

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Maybe it's okay…

Somehow everything has changed in just a few days. Everything feels heavy. The thing is, I made a dumb decision. And then briefly lost my mind. We’re talking one night I wanted to set things on fire. (But that’ll have to wait until I go to my parents this weekend and literally burn two pieces of furniture. P.S. Don’t ask.) Then last night I just started boxing. (Lemme tell you, my arms are sore.)

Anyway, here I was. Completely happy this past weekend. And stupidity ensued.

But then…

I heard about things that are going on with several friends. Friends who I love. Friends who are dealing with the heaviest of heavy. And it makes me stop. It makes me look at all that I have. It reminds me that I have a God who cares for me. And cares for these other wonderful human beings who have so much that is hurting them. And gosh, it sucks.

I know they’re feeling that type of pain that just takes over your entire body. Where it’s hard to breathe and your chest hurts and you don’t know if you'll fall asleep and you’re scared and you just wonder if it’s always going to feel this way. Where it feels like literally nothing could make you feel better. That you’re just alone. In darkness.

Doesn’t that break your heart?

Every time I turn on the radio lately, I start to hear Maybe It’s Okay by We Are Messengers. & I feel like God has been trying to talk to me through that song. And I keep thinking to myself, no God, really, I’m okay. But then I started paying more attention to the words outside of the chorus.

If I didn't know what it hurt like to be broken
Then how would I know what it feels like to be whole.

. . .

If I didn't know what it cuts like to be rejected
Then I wouldn't know the joy of coming home.

. . .

And if all of my shame hadn't drove me to hide in the shadows
Then I wouldn't know the beauty of being free.

. . .

Maybe it's all right if I'm not all right
'Cause the One who holds the stars is holding my whole life.

God, I get it.

I hate. Hate! That my friends are going through shit. That we all have shit. But I am in awe that there’s a God who’s always there. In those times where it’s hard to breathe and I find myself apologizing and asking Him to just please take care of me. It’s then that suddenly the sobs start to soften and I’m overcome with peace. And hope. And love. Because He has me. And there’s the reminder that there’s always purpose. And from every bad feeling or experience or just plain shitty day or being treated shitty, He can turn it around. He can make something good. He can create good in you. He can create good in me.

And I just pray for my friends, for me, for you that we embrace the beauty of being free. He’s got us.

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A New Season

I’m sitting on the balcony. It’s the first day of spring. The sky is blue. The sun is going down. And it’s almost 7! Zula can’t decide if she wants to stay inside or out, and walks up to the edge of the balcony every time a dog walks by with its humans. They look up at her and smile. Country music is playing through my airpods. & I’m happy. I am so happy.

This year is promising.

There was something about getting a tattoo at the beginning of the year that set the tone for 2019. It’s the year to go for it. To do the things I want to do. To enjoy life and be in the present.

The adventure I’m looking forward to the most is my 30th birthday trip. Mom and I are going to Boston and New York City. I’ve never been to Boston, and mom has never been to either city. My cousin is going to meet us there. & I’m really excited about the entire trip.

I’m hoping the 30’s bring a new me. A version that puts up with less bullshit. Who isn’t afraid of her emotions, but quickly dusts herself off. A woman who is confident with who she is and trusts that God will continue to take care of her.

I’ve put dating on hold and I’m just thankful for a season of being single. As I sit in the crisp air, I can only be hopeful about this year and all that it holds. Here’s a few things I’m hoping for:

  • Summer nights at the pool and jumping in lakes

  • Bachelorette and wine nights with my friend in the Fall

  • Going to the fair because I didn’t last year

  • Swinging below my parents tree in the spring and watching lightning bugs

  • Going on a road trip to the beach or the mountains or really anywhere

  • Listening to country music with the windows down and getting lost on backroads

  • Going on walks in the evening and eating healthy

  • Going to the lake with my brother and fishing and riding his boat

  • Summer days with my nephew

  • Embracing the spring and summer months

Cheers.

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