I went to Target. I bought a small backpack to take hiking and a cute pair of shoes. And a kombucha because it’s my go-to lately. When I came home, I changed into workout clothes, took Zula out and then headed to the park. Two miles walking through the mist from the recent rainfall. My back is getting stronger, but I couldn’t take much more than that. I listened to songs like F*ckin Perfect and Strip Me and Shake It Out on the drive to find white mums. No luck. I made an acai bowl for dinner, put on an episode of Friends, and took a bath. A full evening. This to take my mind off everything. To remind myself I’m okay. That I like my own company.
This year, I’ve put myself out there. I asked someone out. I met someone online. And it’s easy to think all that was stupid. That it’s been a waste of time. For three weeks, I was dating a 32-year-old man from Nashville. He was athletic and cute and talkative and had his own business and told me all the things I wanted to hear. We went on eight dates in three weeks, staying up until 11, 12… 3 a.m. I liked him. Then last week, work fell through, he was stressed and he decided “right now wasn’t a good time to be dating.” But that he “really enjoyed hanging out with me.” I asked all the right questions. The last time I saw him he said he wanted to see where this would go. That he wanted a serious relationship. Blah blah blah.
Yesterday I walked six miles. Six miles to take my mind off him because he hadn’t reached out to me in a week. Then I got the phone call that lasted nine minutes, and that was it. I cried all day yesterday telling myself I would be alone forever, that all men are full of shit. That no one can be trusted. That was yesterday.
Today, I remembered my worth. I remembered that what’s meant for me will stay. I remembered that it’s his loss. And I chose to trust that God has been moving men out of the way. Men who aren’t supposed to be in my life. I was reminded that there’s purpose in waiting. That the right man is out there.
Confession: I’ve never prayed for a husband or for my future husband. Instead I’ve thought since a young age that I would never be married. But God knows my heart and I need to start believing marriage will be part of His plan. So starting last night, I’ve started to pray for what I want.
And in the waiting, I’m going to take care of myself. I need to go to counseling. I need to work through my pain. I need to make an effort to make more friends. I need to go to an orthopedic doctor. I need to keep eating healthy and working out. And yes, I know I should be going to church. But to start, Sundays are going to be spent walking in the woods. Small steps to making myself whole, better, content. <3