Somehow everything has changed in just a few days. Everything feels heavy. The thing is, I made a dumb decision. And then briefly lost my mind. We’re talking one night I wanted to set things on fire. (But that’ll have to wait until I go to my parents this weekend and literally burn two pieces of furniture. P.S. Don’t ask.) Then last night I just started boxing. (Lemme tell you, my arms are sore.)
Anyway, here I was. Completely happy this past weekend. And stupidity ensued.
I heard about things that are going on with several friends. Friends who I love. Friends who are dealing with the heaviest of heavy. And it makes me stop. It makes me look at all that I have. It reminds me that I have a God who cares for me. And cares for these other wonderful human beings who have so much that is hurting them. And gosh, it sucks.
I know they’re feeling that type of pain that just takes over your entire body. Where it’s hard to breathe and your chest hurts and you don’t know if you'll fall asleep and you’re scared and you just wonder if it’s always going to feel this way. Where it feels like literally nothing could make you feel better. That you’re just alone. In darkness.
Doesn’t that break your heart?
Every time I turn on the radio lately, I start to hear Maybe It’s Okay by We Are Messengers. & I feel like God has been trying to talk to me through that song. And I keep thinking to myself, no God, really, I’m okay. But then I started paying more attention to the words outside of the chorus.
If I didn't know what it hurt like to be broken
Then how would I know what it feels like to be whole.
. . .
If I didn't know what it cuts like to be rejected
Then I wouldn't know the joy of coming home.
. . .
And if all of my shame hadn't drove me to hide in the shadows
Then I wouldn't know the beauty of being free.
. . .
Maybe it's all right if I'm not all right
'Cause the One who holds the stars is holding my whole life.
God, I get it.
I hate. Hate! That my friends are going through shit. That we all have shit. But I am in awe that there’s a God who’s always there. In those times where it’s hard to breathe and I find myself apologizing and asking Him to just please take care of me. It’s then that suddenly the sobs start to soften and I’m overcome with peace. And hope. And love. Because He has me. And there’s the reminder that there’s always purpose. And from every bad feeling or experience or just plain shitty day or being treated shitty, He can turn it around. He can make something good. He can create good in you. He can create good in me.
And I just pray for my friends, for me, for you that we embrace the beauty of being free. He’s got us.