We had an offsite training session at work yesterday at a neat place in Phoenix called the Film Bar. At the beginning of the session we had to talk a little about ourselves--four words that describe us and something quirky about us. Of course, I couldn't think of anything interesting to say. And so I settled for simple answers and explanations. Introvert, realist, sarcastic and dedicated. But thinking about it now, that doesn't really say much about who I really am.
So I've been thinking about that. What kind of person I am. And I came up with a few things.
I'm a contradiction. Ridiculously so. I can be the most confident person on earth and, at the same time, think I am completely worthless. Half the time I don't make sense to myself. My mom explained it this way, "You could run a small country, but you'd probably struggle with changing a light bulb." I am NOT saying I could run a small country, but this statement is true in the sense that the things that can be monumentally scary, are the things I tackle straight on. But the little things, like speaking in front of people or hanging curtains, those are the things that I struggle with, pathetically so. Case in point: When I first lived away from my parents, I had to call my mom and ask how to make boiled eggs. Boiled eggs! Other contradicting things: I see things black and white. Yet there are many things I see grey. I can have the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I am a realist, yet I am insanely optimistic.
I'm strong, but not in the physical sense. Although my definition is probably different than many. I'm emotional and I cry when things are difficult. A lot. Actually, I sob, curl in a ball, and have to tell myself (many times out loud) that things will be okay. But I don't think that makes me weak. Crying is NOT a sign of weakness. I'm strong because I truly do believe I'm going to be okay. I'm strong because, when I'm weak, He makes me so.
I'm independent. I have always marched to the beat of my own drum. I never cared what everyone else was doing or what was cool. I never had a desire to go to parties or be popular or anything like that growing up. I would rather stay home, watching Disney movies, and write in my room. That's probably still true.
I'm a child at heart. Childlikeness is something that's very important to me. Very. (Although, I would throw in here that--and this goes back to being a contradiction--that my mom swears I was born an adult. As a child, I was mature for my age and would rather hang out and talk to older people than people my own age.) I struggled--big time--in college at the realization that I was getting older. I had a Peter Pan moment and feared it. But I've (somewhat) gotten over that fear, along with my fear of something else--children. I love hanging out with kids because in so many way they're much smarter than adults. A few things I believed as a child were lost somewhere along the way. Some of my childlikeness. And being around children inspires me to just believe and be happy and smile more.
I'm a perfectionist to the core. Which is I fear failure. It's why I'm hard on myself. It's why at night I'm left to thoughts of how crummy I am. But it's also why I'm driven to put my full self into everything I do. I hate doing things wrong, and I hate settling for just okay. I want it to be my best.
I am fiercely loyal to those I love. My parents are my best friends. I admire them. I respect them. And I will always have their back. The same is true for my brother, my nephew, and my best friend.
I'm a lover and a fighter. I truly love people. I like to believe and see the best in people. And I try my best to be fair and caring and compassionate and loving to others. Of course, I've failed at this. A ton. I've judged. I've been rude. I've been a bad friend. I've been unfair and dramatic and hurtful. As for being a fighter, this can be in the good sense and the bad. I stick up for myself and others with my mouth. Sometimes it's warranted, and other times it's not.
I'm human. Which means I'm working on myself. Daily.