Part of me is glad that 2014 is over, as if the new year really does mean a new beginning. I like the romanticized idea of it all, but rarely is it reality. Five days ago the clock struck midnight and, for a moment, things did feel different. But after two weeks of peace at my parent’s home in Tennessee, I’m back in Arizona, back in my mind, and back to my reality. 

Back to disliking myself for not being stronger. For not waking up and deciding that I’m sick of feeling this way and that I’m going to change. I’m going to move forward with my life and shake off the little demon voice in my head that haunted me all last year. I want to move on, but I haven’t exactly learned how to do that yet.

Each day contains multiple attempts. Deep breathes and repeating--a lot of the time out loud--that everything is going to be okay. But it’s a daily process, if not an hourly one.  I’m just not there... yet. 

So my hope for 2015 is that I get there and that includes:

  • Treating the little demon voice like "a hacky, annoying cousin.”*
  • Learning how to accept everything that happened and letting my heart heal.
  • Not being so hard on myself.
  • Crying less.
  • Trusting God more.
  • And trusting that what's meant to be will find its way.
  • Living kindly, loving loudly.
  • Writing more, reading more, creating more.
  • Not being in this same place a year from now.

Happy new year.

* Hopefully as you get older, you start to learn how to live with your demon. It’s hard at first. Some people give their demon so much room that there is no space in their head or bed for love. They feed their demon and it gets really strong and then it makes them stay in abusive relationships or starve their beautiful bodies. But sometimes, you get a little older and get a little bored of the demon. Through good therapy and friends and self-love you can practice treating the demon like a hacky, annoying cousin. Maybe a day even comes when you are getting dressed for a fancy event and it whispers, ‘You aren’t pretty,’ and you go, ‘I know, I know, now let me find my earrings.’
— Amy Poehler, Yes Please / a rad + lovely + empowering read